This Writing History Brought to You by the Letter P

If I were asked to use one word to describe myself as a writer, the word would most definitely be “pensive”.   Those who view this as meaning hesitant may argue that I seem to be rather verbose, citing instances where I have spouted off passionately at some length on a blog or email.  Even so, it is essential to know that, with every word I have written, I have struggled for a while to even put pen to paper, fingertip to keyboard, or thought to mind.  This is primarily due to the fact that I can never quite dismiss my past writing history from my mind.  I was once a promising writer, but one epic failure in judgment has forever halted my writing voice and often threatens to stifle it completely. 

            I began my writing career nurtured by caring parents and teachers driven by the common goal of encouraging my academic success. So in my childhood, the “P” at this point stands for “progress”.  My mother, a teacher by profession, knew that the surest way to expose me to the writing process was through reading. During my early years, she dedicated herself to reading to and with me almost every night, and she also encouraged me to discuss what I had read.  Even now, I have a thirst for the written word that I cannot seem to quench.  More importantly, I gained early exposure to a veritable chorus of literary voices—from the dry, technical jargon used by the historian to the flowery prose favored by Jane Austen.  I believe this informed my own writing voice because it allowed me to see just how many different forms of expression could exist and how the tone of a work could be affected by even the simplest word choice. Under the careful eye of my mother, I began to think and eventually write critically about what I read, enabling me to have an early advantage in almost every school subject, to benefit from the academically gifted classes, and to perform well on standardized tests.

Later, a succession of great English teachers, most notably my eighth grade teacher Mrs. Patsy Davis, sought to impress upon me the structure and function of writing, while giving me freedom to express myself creatively.  I had done very little creative writing at that point because most of my teachers had been focused on grammar and hammering the five paragraph essay pattern into my mind.  Mrs. Davis encouraged me to really engage my reader though my writing, whether it be by grabbing the reader’s attention with a “hook” at the beginning or by using humor to make a point memorable.  I also learned that it was acceptable to break with convention at times if it would improve my writing, something that really empowered me to really change my overall writing style.  I also began to write solely for “pleasure”—to make the stories I read my very own, continuing where the book ended or crafting my own ending.  This led to me writing pieces of work that Mrs. Davis entered into several writing contests, some of which were honored with awards.  As a result, I gained a lot of confidence in my writing voice and learned that risks in writing can sometimes be taken if deemed necessary.  I feel it is during my middle and high school years that I reached the peak of my strength as a writer, and I credit this to my being blessed with passionate teachers.

            For as strong as my writing was in secondary school, I experienced a real downturn in my writing in college, culminating in an act of academic dishonesty that forever branded me with a P for “plagiarism”.  Coming into college at Wake Forest University, I was very proud of my past success in writing and had become so confident that I began to take planning and editing for granted.  I devoted the time that I should have spent on college papers to crafting elaborate emails and instant messages to friends I missed at other colleges.  I was too proud to admit that I made a grievous error in my choice of school, having made the selection based on the large scholarship I had won rather than whether I might even belong at the school in the first place.  In point of fact, it was a terrible fit for me—I suffered just as much inside the classroom as without, losing confidence in all my academic strength as a result of my inability to find my niche at the University.  I then made a choice that changed my life forever, for I decided to hastily submit a paper for a freshman English class in British Literature without checking grammar or references.  Bad grammar was the least of my problems! I had failed to cite my references properly and my professor felt this was deliberate, ultimately failing me in the class and bringing me before the Academic Affairs Committee for violating the Academic Honor Code on plagiarism.  In this one instance, I failed to give an author credit for her voice, and this lapse in judgment could have meant my expulsion from school. Truly sorry for what I had done, I went before the Committee with a proposal to help make amends to the University and my fellow students.  In it, I proposed that I would stand before my fellow students and confess what I had done and why, so as to serve as an example and warning of what not to do.  My proposal was accepted and I delivered a speech to the incoming freshman that year to warn them against allowing their academic integrity to falter even a little.  I really got myself together for that speech, throwing the best of my creativity into a piece of writing that would hopefully keep others from going down the same dark road I had already traveled.  Even though I delivered that speech successfully and eventually salvaged my pitiful college career, the damage was done. I lost any faith I had in my voice as a writer and to this day, I struggle with any writing assignment because I am halted and haunted by my past as a one-time plagiarist. Fear makes even the simplest writing task laborious and I have been known to turn in papers past due and even not at all, simply because I am so afraid of making the same mistake twice. 

            I’ve experienced a lot in my career as a writer, with true triumphs and dismal failures throughout.  I may have found my voice early, but one fatal mistake was enough to almost silence my writing voice forever.  I still struggle on a daily basis to craft a decent piece of writing, be it an email at work or this simple assignment on myself.  I attempt to remind myself that I was once a very good writer, nurtured by good teachers and parents to write with and without limits. But it is my failures that stand out to me and threaten to hold me back at every turn.  I do not plan any more than I ever did during the writing process and I know that—more than anything—I need help with developing and outline to stay focused. I also know that I need to be guided by a caring and concerned teacher who will help mitigate my fears with help editing and citing references.  I really can write in any environment, but I know I do best when I can be advised by a mentor who has my best interests at heart with acknowledgments to my past.  Many are shocked to hear of my past indiscretions with regard to writing, but I’m not surprised to hear that. Maybe I am too forthcoming with my issues, but I feel that they have only made me more cognizant of the real importance of quality writing in an academic setting.  From the rapid writing progress I exhibited early on to the pleasure I derived from writing creatively, and ultimately my humbling experience with plagiarism, I think my writing history is full of extremes. If experience has taught me anything, it is that I have an interesting and unique voice, when and if I can manage to get over my fears and say something.